taylor's devotion remix

Tonight (Friday) I said a devotion for the group.  I made it up as I said it.  Except for the one sentence that
it was based on: If you don't take a break from all the suffering that you see, you will destroy yourself.

I said that yesterday to Lindsey because she was upset that we were being pampered beyond belief while just 2
days before she had almost given her shoes to a boy on the street and broke down because she couldn't.
Seeing Lindsey cry is one of the hardest things to see in the world because...well it's Lindsey.  She is
the happiest, nicest person I know.  She feels like she doesn't deserve to be in this situation while others aren't.

I agree with her. Completely.

However, I know that if I went 2 weeks non-stop trying to help all these people when I'm used to only helping out my sister
(which doesn't really count because all I have to do for that is tickle her and give her some sparkling cranberry juice)
I would not be able to do it.  I would break just as bad as her.  Well, not as bad, she feels other peoples feelings stronger
than I do.  What people don't realize is that we are weaker than the people we want to help.  We think that we can just jump
into it but we can't, we have to ease into it.  They have dealt with their suffering forever.  We haven't dealt with our own
suffering, let alone theirs. 

I actually did break earlier in the week.  We were supposed to document families so that they could be helped later.  We were
given papers that had instructions of what to ask.  It was so official that I felt sick as soon as I saw it.  Not only that,
but the way that the lady talked to us just rubbed me the wrong way.  She was so pretentious that I couldn't stand it. 

So I didn't do it.  I couldn't.  Despite the fact that I know it is a good cause.  It's a great cause.  I couldn't do it
because we weren't actually doing anything.  We were going to meet with strangers, find out TONS of personal information
and then leave.  If I was one of the people working for that cause full time I could, because I would get to actually help
but without that I can't deal with it.  I would feel awful.  I would feel like I was deceiving those people while invading
their privacy.  And they are already in poverty.  I just can't do that to anyone.

I was up almost the entire night trying to figure out what to do.  The next day I explained that I couldn't go.  I went with
the adults instead.

Turns out that everyone said it was a meaningful experience and that they really liked doing it.  But it really stayed with
them, as the idea did with me. 

That is why I'm so glad that we came to this resort of gluttany.  This place has saved my mind.  It has saved everyone's.
I am completely relaxed.  This may sound bad, but I haven't even thought about any of things that we have done before this.
This one time, I am thinking only in the present.

Because of this, next week I will be able to put myself completely into what we will be doing.